I've been pretty laid back about discipline. I am anti-spanking. I use timeouts. I try to redirect the kids before they get into a situation that requires that I discipline them. I know that up until now the kids haven't really had much impulse control, they may know that they shouldn't bang on the TV but when Grover is on and he is getting ready to "move and grove" it seems that they just can't help themselves. I am coming to realize that I need a couple of strategies to handle different situations. Dealing with annoyances, like throwing food off the table, and real dangers like standing on the back of the couch, need different approaches.
In dealing with the annoyances, I try to redirect the kids and have them do something else. Throwing food off the table usually means that they are done eating. I get that. Telling them that when I see them throwing food, I think that they are done just seems to reinforce the idea that throwing food is an acceptable way to get down from the table. A stern, "we don't throw food" just doesn't seem to register. Asking them if they are done at that point is usually met with a no and once they are given some other food it's a fairly good chance that they will just throw it too. We try to ensure that they don't get too much on their plate so that they aren't overwhelmed by the amount but there are nights where as soon as they are seated they are throwing their plate and there isn't any food on it yet. At that point I excuse the child from the table and the rest of us carry on eating. The point isn't to shun them, if they change their mind they are welcome to come back, I just don't see the point in keeping them at the table when they are clearly uninterested. I'm trying to go with "ignore the behaviour that bugs me and reward the behaviour that I want to see", and so far it works half the time.
When it comes to dangerous behaviours, like standing on the back of the couch or running into the street, I tend to be quite loud. The problem with loud is that eventually they will tune me out, it is already starting. The first couple of times I yelled it startled them and yes, they did stop what they were doing. Now, they glance over in my direction, usually grinning and give me a look that says "aren't I cute?" or "check this out!" Yelling is pretty ineffective. My parents yelled, and I got really good at tuning them out. If the situation is imminently dangerous I physically intervene. The problem is that if I have just plucked my son off the back of the couch he giggles and wants to scramble back up there. I think he thinks it's a game. I don't want to spend the rest of the afternoon plucking him off the couch. Part of me wants to just let him climb. I think that he just wants to explore the room and seeing things from higher up is exciting. But another part of me wants to tell him to stay off the couch! How do I explain to him that I worry about him falling? Or, that I don't want the couch damaged? He certainly isn't considering either idea when he is climbing up there.
I don't want to default to "because I said so", but how do you let the kids know that some behaviours just aren't acceptable without it becoming a debate? While having perfectly obedient kids would be nice, it isn't realistic, plus I wouldn't be doing them any favours in the long run. I don't want to raise unthinking followers who do whatever everyone else is doing. I want them to be curious. I want them to question what they see. My friends that have kids all have kids the same age as mine so we are all trying to figure this out at the same time. I guess I can start reading parenting books or I can just keep figuring this stuff out on the go.
Related posts:
