soap bubbles
Posted in parenthood, sleep is for the weak on February 28th, 2009 by admin – Comments OffThe other night I struggled to get my daughter to go to sleep. I feel like I’ve let her down. Getting her to go to sleep is such a pain in my ass. She didn’t want to nap that day, my mom struggled to get her to sleep. Finally she fell asleep at 2pm and my mom wanted her to get some sleep so she let her sleep until 4pm. I recognize that napping is important but letting her sleep so late in the day just set us up for a ridiculous bedtime. It was 10:15 by the time I got her to sleep and it wasn’t without many tears.
We decided long ago to not do cry-it-out and I feel conflicted about it so much. Am I failing her by not teaching her to sleep? Shouldn’t she be able to put herself to sleep by now? Should I be setting a schedule and sticking to it no matter what? I flip flop about where I stand on this. I don’t want to put her in a room and shut the door leaving her to figure it out. That seems cruel. I’ve been there *every* night since she was born, nursing her to sleep. It seems like she has outgrown the routine but *she* isn’t sure how to give it up. She wants to lay down and nurse but that doesn’t get her to sleep. I’ve been getting the boy to sleep and then getting up with her and going downstairs and pacing in the dark. This “routine” doesn’t really work either. Some nights she puts her head down and drifts off to sleep with little effort. Other nights she talks, kicks her legs and flaps her arms in an effort to stay awake. Her body is tired but her brain is refusing to let her sleep. I wish I could wiggle my nose and she would magically be asleep.
On nights were I’m tired and she is fighting sleep I question the routine the most. I find myself getting so angry and in the light of day it seems silly but downstairs pacing in the dark I feel anger and resentment bubble up inside of me. I’ve read that if I resent something I need to change it but I’m at a loss as to how to move to the next step. I have a vague idea of how to proceed but I feel like executing the change is impossible. I’m tired and angry and that doesn’t seem like the best time to start making changes.
I recognized right away that getting angry isn’t going to help her go to sleep, having someone yell at you to “go to sleep” isn’t going to work. So as I felt the irritation bubble up inside of me I knew I had to diffuse the situation, so I imagined the anger and resentment bubbling out my nose. Now I defy you to imaging bubbles floating out of your nose and to stay angry. It is quite a silly image. I firmed the image in my head and the bubbles were small and compact, tiny and bright. I felt myself start to relax and the bubbles got bigger, bobbing, wiggling, the film holding them together getting thinner and thinner. The bubbles quivered and shook and then popped. I held onto this image until I felt better. It didn’t take long and I felt my body relax. It can’t be conducive to sleep to have someone angry and rigid holding you, trying to lull you to sleep in stiff arms.
My daughter settled down and soon she was asleep. I hesitated to write about this because I hate putting it out there that this is hard and that I’m struggling. Yet another mommy blogger writing a whiny post. But I think that being honest about my parenting experience, the good and the bad, will only help me be a better parent. I’m not perfect and perhaps if I can show my kids how I struggle and still find a way to persevere and have a sense of humor I am doing right by them. So now I have a secret weapon for the next time I’m feeling anger starting to take hold of me. Bubbles, lots and lots of bubbles.