My husband is taking care of the kids today as he does every Monday. I got a call from him this morning. He's still feeling sick and neither of the kids were napping. The boy wanders over to the kitchen gate and points in emphatically. When offered various items, none are what he wants, he has a meltdown. The girl is running around like a wild woman. The boy went down for a nap but the girl's antics wake him up.
I hear all this and I feel guilty. I feel bad that I'm here and that my husband is there. I want to go home and take care of the kids so my husband can take care of himself. I can't kick the habit of feeling guilty. I wonder if he felt guilty for going to work on days when I was sick and home by myself with the kids? I doubt it. I wonder if women give birth to guilt before or after they deliver the placenta? It seems to trite to be going on about a mother's guilt but it has gripped me tightly today. I think that some how along the line I've confused feeling empathy with feeling guilty. I'd like to unlearn this right now please.
I suggested to the husband that he bundle up and take the kids for a walk. It is pretty much guaranteed that they will sleep in the stroller. He was reluctant to do that because that would mean going out in the cold. I wish I could magically make him feel better or magically make the kids sleep but I'm a technician not a magician.
I sit here at work dividing my attention between the file I'm working on and wondering if the kids have napped yet. I'm multitasking but I feel less productive than ever. I'm wasting energy on guilt which isn't helping resolve the issue at all. I know this intellectually, but I can't stop the guilt. Worry and guilt are two things I'd love to live without.
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