adrift

I feel like I’ve fallen into the sea. I can’t say when it hap­pened but it hap­pened a long time ago, most likely just after the kids were born.

I remem­ber strug­gling to find my way. Thrash­ing and fight­ing and it didn’t really help. Waves washed over me and I’d splut­ter and cough. I did not scream for help because I’m stub­born and I thought I could find my own way to the shore, but I was over­whelmed and the under­tow pulled me fur­ther and fur­ther away.

I got tired of fight­ing so I switched to tread­ing water so I could catch my breath. It helped for a while but even tread­ing water is tir­ing so I decided to float instead.

It feels like I’ve been float­ing, adrift for­ever. I move with the cur­rents but make no real progress. I fig­ured I’d even­tu­ally wash ashore but I can’t even see land. I’m cold and dis­ori­ented and I close my eyes and a wave crashes over my head. I’m under­wa­ter try­ing to fig­ure out which way is up. I fight to right myself but exhaus­tion and numb­ness are pow­er­ful. I begin to lose hope.

A bea­con flashes in the dark. I can hear my name being called. I know that I have to start mov­ing again but I am so tired. Why is sav­ing myself so hard?

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