Raincity Mama

I’ve been avoid­ing even think­ing of writ­ing. It started off, well actu­ally I’m not sure how it started’ I think I got sick and then I read a bunch of absolutely amaz­ing posts and I felt com­pletely inept. I thought that I wasn’t wor­thy. But today I had an epiphany. I’m pay­ing for this space. The only per­son I have to make happy here is me. And lately I have not been happy.

I’m not sure if it’s the weather but I’ve been slip­ping into a very dark place. Not just pulling up my hoodie and plug­ging into my iPod to lis­ten to sad music (how much more emo can I get?) but with­draw­ing from just about everything.

I’m sad and angry. Oh, the angry. I’ve been los­ing my tem­per so often the effect is com­pletely lost on the kids. I need to find a way to deal with anger other than balling it up and stuff it deep down because I’m all filled up with the angry. I can’t feel any­thing else with­out hav­ing to shove the angry out of the way.

If I can’t find a way to deal with my emo­tions as they hap­pen instead of push­ing then aside to deal with them later; how am I going to teach my kids how to deal? This par­ent­ing gig is show­ing me over and over again that I have bag­gage that I thought was resolved but no, it is still there wait­ing to be dealt with.

So what does this mean? Hell if I know. I tried hid­ing and that hasn’t worked so per­haps it is time to face the facts and start to fig­ure out what *is* going to make me happy and do that instead. And for right now, writ­ing is mak­ing me feel just a lit­tle bit bet­ter so I’ll take that.

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This entry was posted on Sunday, November 1st, 2009 at 10:21 pm and is filed under in pursuit of happiness. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.