I've been avoiding even thinking of writing. It started off, well actually I'm not sure how it started' I think I got sick and then I read a bunch of absolutely amazing posts and I felt completely inept. I thought that I wasn't worthy. But today I had an epiphany. I'm paying for this space. The only person I have to make happy here is me. And lately I have not been happy.
I'm not sure if it's the weather but I've been slipping into a very dark place. Not just pulling up my hoodie and plugging into my iPod to listen to sad music (how much more emo can I get?) but withdrawing from just about everything.
I'm sad and angry. Oh, the angry. I've been losing my temper so often the effect is completely lost on the kids. I need to find a way to deal with anger other than balling it up and stuff it deep down because I'm all filled up with the angry. I can't feel anything else without having to shove the angry out of the way.
If I can't find a way to deal with my emotions as they happen instead of pushing then aside to deal with them later; how am I going to teach my kids how to deal? This parenting gig is showing me over and over again that I have baggage that I thought was resolved but no, it is still there waiting to be dealt with.
So what does this mean? Hell if I know. I tried hiding and that hasn't worked so perhaps it is time to face the facts and start to figure out what *is* going to make me happy and do that instead. And for right now, writing is making me feel just a little bit better so I'll take that.
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