Lately I’ve been really sporadic about making it to the gym. My training log over at the dailymile proves this. (Are you on there? We should totally be friends!) I’ve figured out that if I pack my gym bag before going to bed I don’t have an excuse to “forget” it. Today I had my bag here at work and I almost didn’t go. I’m tired. I’m crampy. I don’t want to. But you know what? I went anyway. I’ve decided that if I get to the gym and after running an interval if I really don’t want to be there I can leave and not feel bad about it. I figure that if I still don’t want to be there after walking over there, getting changed and running then I will probably stay and get the workout done.

Today I almost left. I did three running intervals and wanted get off the treadmill! I decided that I’d walk the next interval and see how I felt when I heard the prompt to run. I ran, albeit slowly but I finished the interval feeling strong. When the next prompt chimed I decided to pick up the pace. I normally run about 7.5km/h but I decided to try 9.6km/h. This felt huge! I’ve never run that fast before. I know that there are people running much faster than that but for me this almost felt like a sprint. I felt the treadmill pass my usual running pace. I only had to do this for 60 seconds. At some point I hit a spot where my brain started to complain.

“This is hard! I can’t do this! I want to stop. I can’t stop now! I can finish this! Holy shit! I am doing this!”

I finished the run huffing and puffing but it didn’t kill me! The chime for the last running interval rang and I ran at the same faster pace again! Again I reached the same point where my mind started to complain but I shoved the voice down, hitched up my falling down pants and carried on. I finished the last run wanting to laugh/cry! I felt ridiculously proud. It’s not like I did anything really fantastic. I just decided not to stop.  The rush of emotions and endorphins was overwhelming.

It’s over an hour later and I’m still feeling the buzz. Before I ran today I was judging myself for not sticking to the program but I realize that it’s ok to tailor it to meet my needs as long as I’m moving forward. Slow and steady with bursts of speed. I’m listening to my body and it’s humming with happiness.

Related posts:

1. Couch to 5k — Week 1 Day 2
2. I’m waiting for this to get easier
3. couch to 5k — week 1 day 1

Last night’s sleep disruption left me feeling like a zombie and not the good kind of zombie. I’m irritable, short tempered and my potty mouth is outrageous!

Conductor please stop the ride I want off. The urge to flee is becoming status quo. This has to stop. I can’t run away. I know that no matter where I go my problems will find me. I know that if I don’t take care of myself, then I cannot take care of anyone else. Last night I read my friend Mo’s latest entry and it left me shaken. I do not want to let myself deteriorate to the point that I am left so broken that my children have to care for me. (Mo, I say this in the least judgy way that I can, no offense to your mom)

This is me declaring again that I am going to take care of myself. I will pick myself up and keep moving. This pity party needs to be canceled forever. I’m getting my ass back to the gym. I’m going to find a yoga practice that I love. I am worth at least these first steps.

Related posts:

1. fat to fit — an update
2. my heart, it is broken

I’ve come up with a little coping mechanism, because apparently people (my husband) doesn’t like it when I want to disappear (even if it’s just for a little while, I’d come back. Probably.)

When it gets tough I plan vacations. I pick a date and a destination and I plan it all out. I look at airfares, hotels, train tickets you name it. I find it so soothing to immerse myself in all the little details, I can forget about my troubles for a short time. There is something so wonderful about planning a trip. The excitement of a new place or the anticipation of returning to somewhere that I haven’t got enough of yet, takes my mind off of whatever is making me want to run. In this perfect, pretend vacation I wouldn’t have to deal with two jet-lagged preschoolers, missed connections, cramming four people into a small hotel room or any of the other hassles that come with travel.

Now sometimes planning a trip that I have no way of actually paying for bites me in the ass. I get emotionally invested. Yes, it would be lovely to fly with my family to London. It is especially torturous when I find a ridiculous deal on airfare. I start to get wistful, trying to think up ways to turn this pretend vacation into the real deal. But the reality is that a trip to London is out of the question unless I find someone that wants to send me and my family on a vacation. What do you say British Airways? Need a mommy blogger to sponsor? Some how waiting around for a internet fairy godmother just doesn’t seem realistic. So I struggle to get my head out of the clouds and get my feel rooted back on familiar ground. I know that fleeing won’t solve anything and my problems would probably just follow me but for an hour I was lost in a world of planes, trains and big red buses and I was happy.

No related posts.

No the changes I’ve been working on are less dramatic. For one I’m flossing. I know right? Could I be more mundane? Well, I’ve come to the conclusion that I just really want to keep these teeth. I don’t think I’d look good with my lips flapping and a gummy smile. So I floss. I’m really hoping that my dentist notices and that I can keep this up.

For my next fabulous change I’m keeping a log of what I eat. I’m using the LoseIt app on my iPhone. I started off merely journalling what I ate, ignoring the calories just so I could see what my habits were. I was appalled. I’ve been using the app for over a month now and I am happy to say that I’m more thoughtful of the choices I make. Knowing that I’ll be marking it down does wonders for stopping after one Caramel Macchiato thank you very much the Caramel Macchiato habit all together. Though it didn’t stop me from blowing through my daily calorie limit the other day by lunch time! I need to stop stress eating. Last week I baked these Blondies with the kids and after eating a couple I realized I needed to get them out of the house before my ass expanded even further!

To round out my getting my shit together for this month I started working out! I joined my local YMCA and I’m doing the Couch to 5k program using the Podrunner interval podcasts. I love the Y! It’s close to work and the facilities are great! I was home with the kids last week and it threw me off my workout schedule. In the past this bump coupled with the eating of the blondies would’ve been enough to derail me but I feel ok. I’m not happy about the set back but it’s just a set back. I decided that I would do a recap week and I think I’ve found my groove again.

I think I’m going to need to do more than C25k to see the results I’m after. I think I’m going to join the #shredheads and start the 30 Day Shred program (again!) and hopefully that will be the boost my body need to start strengthen up and drop some of this weight.

So that’s what I’ve been working on. I have so much more to do but I wanted to honour the changes I’ve started to make. It is so easy to get bogged down in what needs to be done and forget that even small changes are steps in the right direction.

Areas to tackle next:
Finances (gulp, this one scares the crap out of me!)
Clutter
Career

No related posts.

this cusp is like waiting for a sneeze only I don’t know if it’ll feel fantastic or if I’ll end up smacking my head on something

I’ve been waiting for some divine inspiration to give me some clue as to what to do first. How do I know where to start? It feels like so much of my life needs an overhaul that I’m overwhelmed and I have no idea where to begin.

Well, ok, that’s not entirely true. I’ve started working out. I can’t tell you what clicked for me but I just knew that it was time to stop procrastinating on it and just get started. I think it helps that I chose to do C25k because I already had running shoes and no other equipment is required.

I’ve been hoping that this kick start would have a cascading effect elsewhere in my life but I’m starting to realize that none of this will be easy. There are no shortcuts damn it!

I’m ten days behind in the Mondo Beyondo class. I’m trying to tell myself that it’s ok to be behind as long as I eventually catch up. I.m focusing on taking what I need and leave the rest. I just worry that I need what I’m missing. Argh!

I get stuck wasting time on things that aren’t serving me best. Watching an hour of tv isn’t getting anything crossed off my list but it is so tempting to sit on the couch and zone out after a long day instead of digging in and working on all the things that need working on.

Ok, I’m spinning now. Perhaps trying to write coherently after working out wasn’t such a great idea.

Tell me, what do you do when you feel like you’re on the cusp of change. Do you embrace it and dive in or do you fight it the whole way?

No related posts.

I feel guilty for needing/wanting time away. I’m berating myself for picking the local coffee shop instead of trying something or somewhere new. It is such a conundrum to be out of the house but thinking of home, when I know that if I was to have stayed home I’d be thinking of getting out of the house.

I worry that I’m making the wrong choice. That I’m wasting my time out of the house. Should I have gone grocery shopping? Or to the cook shop/bookstore/the beach/or whatever else it is that I’ll think of later when my time here is done.

I just tell myself that I need this time away. That I will be recharged by getting out of the house, not having to change diapers or be a referee over toys. It is uncomfortable because I am so entrenched in caring for the kids. I’ve given away so much of myself to the kids that I don’t even know what I like to do anymore. I have let it get to the point that when I do get time away I just want to do nothing, inertia takes over.

The only way I can see to overcome this is to do it more often so that I’m not waiting until I’m at the end of my rope, running on fumes. How do you spend your free time? Do you have routine time to yourself outside of work or your family? I know I can’t be the only one struggling with this, tell me your story.

Related posts:

1. a kid-free night!

It is hard to watch a conversation flow and feel that it is ok to jump in. If I were at a cocktail party and I jumped into a conversation it would probably grind to a halt. I know that to get to know people I need to jump in but sometimes I’m not sure how people will react so I hold back. Blerg!

I’m not sure how to wrap this up. This has been on my mind quite a bit lately and I thought that writing about it might help but I feel extremely self conscious and I’m temped to just delete this.

So does anyone else think that “awkward” looks wrong? I know that if you say a word too many times it starts to sound weird but awkward just looks awkward!

No related posts.

One thing that came up is that I want to learn Italian. I bought a program to use before we left for Italy to get married. I used the program for a few weeks before we left but after we got back I never used it again.

It is time to dust off the disks and start using it again because I think picking this up again is the right thing to do. When I was in first year of college I wanted to study languages and maybe it is time to explore that.

No related posts.

I remember struggling to find my way. Thrashing and fighting and it didn’t really help. Waves washed over me and I’d splutter and cough. I did not scream for help because I’m stubborn and I thought I could find my own way to the shore, but I was overwhelmed and the undertow pulled me further and further away.

I got tired of fighting so I switched to treading water so I could catch my breath. It helped for a while but even treading water is tiring so I decided to float instead.

It feels like I’ve been floating, adrift forever. I move with the currents but make no real progress. I figured I’d eventually wash ashore but I can’t even see land. I’m cold and disoriented and I close my eyes and a wave crashes over my head. I’m underwater trying to figure out which way is up. I fight to right myself but exhaustion and numbness are powerful. I begin to lose hope.

A beacon flashes in the dark. I can hear my name being called. I know that I have to start moving again but I am so tired. Why is saving myself so hard?

No related posts.

I’m not sure if it’s the weather but I’ve been slipping into a very dark place. Not just pulling up my hoodie and plugging into my iPod to listen to sad music (how much more emo can I get?) but withdrawing from just about everything.

I’m sad and angry. Oh, the angry. I’ve been losing my temper so often the effect is completely lost on the kids. I need to find a way to deal with anger other than balling it up and stuff it deep down because I’m all filled up with the angry. I can’t feel anything else without having to shove the angry out of the way.

If I can’t find a way to deal with my emotions as they happen instead of pushing then aside to deal with them later; how am I going to teach my kids how to deal? This parenting gig is showing me over and over again that I have baggage that I thought was resolved but no, it is still there waiting to be dealt with.

So what does this mean? Hell if I know. I tried hiding and that hasn’t worked so perhaps it is time to face the facts and start to figure out what *is* going to make me happy and do that instead. And for right now, writing is making me feel just a little bit better so I’ll take that.

Related posts:

1. when did I turn into Screamy McScreamsalot?